I met Sarah A on IRC. In your case, we moved in together and met afterwards. :-)

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erm - puter ignorance strikes again - I thought IRC would come under "chatroom or similar"

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Actually, the dating thing is a cultural difference. I'm not sure people 'date' in the UK in the same sense that they do here. In the UK, 'going out' is the the nearest equivalent, but tends to carry greater weight, with the assumption that if you're going out with someone, you are a partner in some sense. In the US, dating is somewhat lighter weight -- fewer expectations. For non-poly people, in the UK going out with more than one person would be regarded as a bit off or unreasonable, whereas in the US dating multiple people is generally regarded as OK until you've gone further than that.

This is a definite cultural difference, and I suspect it is partly why it is generally easier in the US to make connections with people.

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That might explain something I've often wondered about in some dating articles where they say if your having sex and enjoying it how to raise the issue of going exclusive.

If I'm sleeping with someone as far as I'm concerned I am exclusively dating them.

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In the UK, 'going out' is the the nearest equivalent, but tends to carry greater weight, with the assumption that if you're going out with someone, you are a partner in some sense

You are saying that once you have got off with someone monogamy assumption is automatically triggered? Cripes.

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Surprisingly I met both my most recent girlfriends at gigs where I didn't know them previously, and no one around me knew them previously.

Admittedly the only reason I got talking to the last one was some bloke kept brushing his hand past my bum so I thought talking to the nearest woman was a good idea (normally I'm painfully shy). We just hit it off and as she was a BUNAC student she was interested in meeting people as she'd left most of her friends back in the States.

Two women I'm quite close to recently I've met through friends though (and indeed I'm seeing one of them in 3/4 of an hour the other tomorrow *).

*
I'm monogamous, but atm I'm single and celibate so am just getting to know them better and seeing if anything beyond friendship happens. Once I sleep with someone I've tended to stick with them till dumped so far.

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1st (cymrys): He came into the shop where I worked and chatted me up.
2nd: Was a friend before we dated.
3rd: Was a friend before we dated.
4th: Met in a pub.
5th (corpsie): Met in a club.
6th (Michael the Crap Ex): Met in a pub.
7th (reddragdiva): Met in IRC (#uk_goffs).

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Was a friend before we dated

I would have thought that was normal. How did you meet them originally?

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That post you linked to was interesting. For the record. I'm (sort of) American and I can not conceive of striking up a conversation with somebody on the subway and getting their phone number. Not even in my most outgoing moments. As in, I would probably be more likely to get on a bus completely naked than to ask someone on one for their phone number.

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As in, I would probably be more likely to get on a bus completely naked than to ask someone on one for their phone number.

That can work too.

Of course, I suspect many brits impression of American culture is based on TV, which is presumably skewed.

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surely you get talked to/chatted up by others though - I thought refusing to talk to random people in the US was considered a bit rude?

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Ooh, that *is* really interesting. It's really good to see someone analyse the UK/US difference and come to the sort of conclusions I knew, but didn't really believe could really be there.

*thinks* Of course, it's self-reinforcing. If approaching people you don't know if normal, no-one minds, and it's not a big deal. If it's not, most people who do it are the crazy and extremely forward.

Similarly, I gather from American media that it's common to go on a "date" with someone you don't really know, to find out if you like them. Which seems quite a sensible paradigm to me, but calling something a date means more, it implies you're really quite interested already, so you don't do that unless you've already reached some kind of understanding, or the other party will be scared off :)

Of course, I don't think the underlying system is so different. It's just called different things. many people are great at getting to know people in all contexts, without breaking social norms.

Saying "I'm provisionally attracted to you, who I don't know, and want to know more" is literally impossible. But if you can quickly open casual conversation with them, chat a bit, and then manufacture an excuse to meet again, everything can go smoothly, and once you've decided you *do* like each other, you can have a first "date", and reclassifying everything that happened before as a date too :)

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I've figured out the purpose of meeting for coffee: it's not quite a "date", but if it goes well you can retrospectively designate it as one, and if it doesn't go well you can pretend it was never meant to be a date in the first place :)

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Hmm, come to think of it almost all my dating experiences, on either side of the Atlantic, involved being introduced by a friend or having been friends previously. The notable exception was while I worked at a bookstore and kept getting hit on by patrons. I've made that sound much more creepy than it was; both the guys I dated that way (dated in the casual sense, though not at the same time) were really nice and fun.

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Hmm, come to think of it almost all my dating experiences, on either side of the Atlantic, involved being introduced by a friend...

*is very smug*

:-)

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1st: we both played 'cello in the local youth orchestra; I asked her out
2nd: met through a friend; I eventually realised she liked me when she seemed to spend more time in my room than I did
3rd: both in the same music group; she invited me home for coffee (cliché!)
4th: a friend who I'd known for a few years who asked me out at a party
5th: I was landlord of the pub she used; she refused to leave one night

Looks like apart from the first time, I've never asked anyone out! I must do something about that.

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she invited me home for coffee (cliché!)

Now there's a question - do people in other countries "come back for coffee"? And if they don't have that expression, how on earth do they ever manage to have sex?

I can't stand the taste of coffee, but thankfully I learned to nod and say yes please anyway.

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1. Introduced by a good friend when he was going out with her, subsequently on same course at university.

2. Met on a summer programme; I've defined that as working together rather than an interest related event, but it's sort of somewhere in between.

3. At a party which was part of a semi-open interest-related social group, namely a university Jewish society.

4. Lived together as strangers: doesn't really fit neatly into any of your categories I think.

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a mixture:
school and youth group and other schools for the adolescent excitements, i guess i knew these people from 'hanging around' with them. but then i guess teenagers don't really date. it's all quite clueless and fuzzy round the edges.
1. knew who they were through a friend's party, but didn't talk to them at it (nor introduced). engineered a 'blind' date in order to 'meet'.
2. not an ex but a maybe for a significant time - met in the pub and went clubbing the same night. probably the closest to dating, as we had totally unconnected social groups so used to meet for coffee, drinks etc.
3. met clubbing. but didn't go out til after we'd become friends for a few months. part of a small social group that went clubbing and other social things together, that i met all at the same time.
4. friend of housemate. a definite something-going-on from the off, minimal just-friends period.
5. school. then friends, then best-friends, then practically-married. almost went out as teenagers, but didn't. only took another 5 years after leaving school to get together...

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Intervestink.

In my case, and thinking about it, two of the previous three have had to hit me over the head with a vase before I noticed they... er... liked me. The third went pretty badly, so I'm sticking with the vase strategy. Actually, the second ended badly too, though much later. As did the first...

... I may need to rethink how this works a bit.

I don't ask people out. It doesn't happen, because the very thought of rejection makes me search for the nearest river to jump into (Half kidding. DramaAquarion is Dramatic)

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Having now read the linked to post...

I find it surprising the idea that British people don't date, I suspect it's more that we don't call that sort of thing "dating"? Surely chatting up random strangers is a common thing in England (among people more brave than me, at least)? And the idea of asking someone out seems common to me also.

I mean, in the situation described in the post with meeting someone on a train - I wouldn't, because I'm hopelessly shy, but I don't think asking for their number seems unlikely or un-English.

Also it's not clear to me that there's always a difference depending on whether you already know them. Whilst there might be an opportunity for getting involved purely when you see them in your social circle, it surely sometimes happens that you might ask someone out, when they're already a friend?

I should point out that I think in all the cases that I've met random strangers and gone out on a date with them, we've at least snogged beforehand. Not that I would find it strange to go out on a date with someone I hadn't yet kissed, but I find it's easier to get first snog out the way...

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1) Random in a club. Lasted a few months, went sour for too many years, very good friends now.
2) Random at uni. No further contact.
3) Originally met online, then met in person at a conference. Still together now, ~6 years on.
4) Random friend of a friend in a pub. No further contact.
5) Friend from uni. Originally met online. Occasional contact.
6) Drunken hook up with a friend that lasted longer than it should have, in retropect. Semi-regular contact.
7) Originally met in a coffee shop, taken along as moral support for the person I was originally meeting. Still together now, 18 months on

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Here via livredor and mattp.

My most recent relationship was probably closer to the American model to the British one, and I rather liked it. It ultimately didn't work out, mostly for reasons of chemistry and not being right for each other, but the way it unfolded was quite lovely and I'd hope for similar beginnings in the future. We met on a dating site, but arranged to meet for a specific event rather than, "Hi, I think you're hot, do you want to meet up?" (though I suppose a bit of that is implied when you meet in those circumstances). Met up for a drink before the event itself, got on like a house on fire, but neither of us made any moves or even went beyond very subtle flirting, because we were both shy and I was trying to figure out if the chemistry was there (I suppose I should have stuck with my initial doubts, in hindsight!). Met for the event a few days later followed by drinks, then lots of texting afterwards before he asked if he could "take me out to dinner", which signified date in my mind. It wasn't until after the dinner and during drinks that we ever raised the possibility of feelings for each other beyond friendship. We did the snogging thing and saw each other again a couple of times before we decided we were probably together in some form, only we called it "dating"/"seeing each other" rather than being In A Relationship (partly due to my Baggage). He commented on it being unfamiliar to him, and more "American". Not sure if I got into that mindset from spending time in America (about 5 months over the course of 18)/having lots of Americans in my online daily social circle, or if it was exposure to polyamory. Or just me being broken for relationships after a particular point.

Previous things have usually been getting to know as friends first, or at least part of the same social group:

R & S = have known them both for years, part of the same online social group/shared interests, met up after flirtation but not really expecting anything to happen and something sprang from there. Much energy spent on trying to define it and understand it. I suppose I did have a date with S; it felt like one to me, but it wasn't after any discussion that that's what it was, but it was after much snogging etc (heavily on the etc). We needed food, and just so happened to obtain it in a restaurant. It's a bit weird when you start sleeping with one of your friends; do you interact with each other like the friends you've been, or the lovers you've become? Especially when you don't really know what's going on with that. To say how long we were together I'd have to have more of an idea of when we got together! R = perhaps a month or 6 weeks, S perhaps 2 months?

Before that, B = same online social group, friends for a bit before sudden attraction took hold and we had to meet up, with no illusions as to what was happening between us. Definitely didn't date there until we were already in the relationship, though went on lots of dates afterwards if going out to dinner counts. He was an American. Together for 18 months.

TG = tricky one. Lived next door, but we didn't really interact until we got online in a local to our university halls' chat room and became part of the same social group. He told me he fancied me/asked me out, not sure which, I said I wasn't interested. Awkward few days ensued before I realised that actually yes, I did quite fancy him after all, and either told him as much or started being more touchy with him and kissed him, with eventual talking about it. Then we just spent a lot of time together, either within the social group or by ourselves, which was easy at uni when we lived together-ish. Together for 9 months.

I'm probably giving you way more info/detail than you want ;) But I've written it now, so part 2's on the way.

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Is this poll meant to be for current partner(s) only or all partners ever?

Previous partners - mostly friends or friends of friends (never let anyone set you up with their ex). There was that guy I met through both being in the Prommers' Orchestra when I was 18, I think we just got chatting lots at rehearsals.

However, my current partner doesn't fit this pattern. Evidently neither ghost_of_a_flea or I, despite being Scottish and English respectively, are British, if Brits don't date.

We met when I wandered into the charity bookshop where he works. I stayed chatting with him for three hours. Two days later, I just happened to drop in again (I brought a book to donate as my excuse) an hour before closing time, and some time during that hour casually asked him out for coffee. We went for coffee and chatted for so long that it took us ages to find a restaurant that was still open, where we chatted some more and exchanged mobile numbers. The next day he sent me a text inviting me to a book fair the day after, and we went to that together, afterwards wandering in the park, getting falafel and finally kissing. This was 19 months ago, and he moved in at the end of August. Neither of us ever said, "I fancy you, would you like to go on a date?" because it's unnecessary and crude: coffee is flexible enough (hell, I've been to coffee or out for drinks with some of my tutors), though it was pretty damn obvious we were interested in each other in this case.

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For a certain definition of non long term partner, anyway.

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